Philophobia
by mishelliot
Summary: I never wanted this. I never wanted any of this. And yet I realized my heart belonged to you the exact moment it stopped beating. My greatest fear became my final truth.


**Hi everyone! I posted this on my blog and a lot of people enjoyed it so I figured I'd post it on here! Basically these are Elliot's final thoughts after he rejected Humpty Dumpty.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Pandora Hurts…I mean Hearts.**

My greatest fear was falling in love. I never wanted something that troublesome in my life. Or at least I thought so. I watched behind terrified eyes as my entire family perished one by one because of the blood stained hands of the Headhunter. Of course then, I didn't know those hands belonged to me. The love I felt for them though was only familial. Even so, I could feel my heart being torn to shreds with each of their deaths. From what I have read on actual, pure and untainted, love; it transcended every feeling. Some books said it was the source of happiness, it was one's reason for existence. Searching for your other half was supposed to be the greatest adventure in your life. But other books...they spoke of the paralyzing agony it has bestowed upon so many. A feeling that strong...I grew to despise the thought of even being love. I thought that if I fell for someone, they would be taken away from just as violently as everyone else I had cared for was. I guess I was scared of hurting again.

In many ways I'm exactly like that brat, Oz.

Even with the ever-present feeling of dread that kept manifesting within my heart, I opened up to you; my precious Leo. You showed me the world through a different set of eyes. You showed me that happiness and sadness and rage and everything; they were all beautiful. You gave my world a light. You dealt with all of my melodramatic bullshit, and you laughed at it. You became my other, my better, half.

I never thought I'd be the one hurting you.

When did these feelings for start?

Have they always been there? Was I ignorant of my own thoughts this entire time?

Was it the quiet days we spent together in bliss? I would play the piano as you sat next to me, always eager to help me better my work. Sometimes if you grew tired, you would lean on me. Your head always nuzzling perfectly into the crook of my neck. Other days I would sit and watch you read, always wondering what was going on in that eccentric mind of yours. When we talked I caught myself staring into your eyes that were always tinged with sadness, loneliness, and guilt. Even though you hid behind your glasses and a quick grin, I saw it all. But no matter how hard I pushed, you wouldn't tell me what was bothering you.

Why, Leo? Did you hate yourself that much? I could have helped you.

But now I know the reason why.

Here I lay, too weak to even speak. The stench of my own blood is strong within the thickening air. I'm about to die.

Those feelings that always laid silent within your eyes was because of me. It was my own fault Humpty Dumpty hurt me. I was stupid, and thought I could defeat a monster like him with my meager swordsmanship skills. You were just being a good servant, no, a good friend. You did everything within your ability to keep me alive. You sacrificed your sanity for me.

Did you love me?

I guess now I can't find out.

A pool of a deep crimson liquid was seeping from my heart. It's almost time. I rejected my chain a while ago, knowing the consequences. The seconds are ticking away. The blood is growing darker. Your heartbeat is growing fainter. I'm such a hypocrite. Preaching my words of self-sacrifice being selfish towards Oz Vessalius, and yet here I lay. I gave up my life so he could maintain a peace of mind.

Why did it have to be this way? Why did it have to end this way?

I spent our short time together not knowing my feelings for you, Leo. I was always second and third guessing my thoughts. I thought my own heart was lying to me.

I love you.

If I realized sooner...maybe...maybe we could have been something.

But instead, it took the finality of my death to realize you were, and should have been, my life, Leo.


End file.
